Saturday, September 29, 2012

Schlock done right: PIRANHA 3DD--from Gulager/Dunstan/Melton/Soisson--on disc

Once in awhile, there is nothing like a piece of utter, irredeemable schlock to make the evening's Trader Joe's three-buck-chuck go down more smoothly. (That's our house wine these days, and, yes -- I know -- on the West Coast, it costs only $2.) So, the other night, over dinner, we watched PIRANHA 3DD, which a kindly PR rep had sent me to cover (it's out now on both DVD and Blu-ray), and we had 83 minutes of sleazy, silly, schlocky fun -- of which at least twelve of those minutes were devoted to credits, outtakes and further Piranha evolution (the next one looks to be even schlockier!). This proved exactly what the MD ordered.

There are boobs here aplenty -- most of them big, bountiful and utterly fake looking. What hath breast augmentation wrought, kiddies? It's ain't pretty, and it ain't natural, neither! (Most of the breasts on display look much more fake than the movie's special effects, which are creepy, goofy fun. And if the film seems to exist solely to outdo the first Piranha remake's use of Jerry O'Connell and his prosthetic penis, let it be said right now that this 3D sequel absolutely outdoes it. TrustMovies is not going to tell you how or why; you'll just have to see for yourself. But it's a lulu of bad taste (though the piranha does seem to be enjoying that taste), something of which Lloyd Kaufman might be proud.

Speaking of bad taste: In this movie -- along with its cast of cutie pies of both genders, with Danielle Panabaker and Chris Zylka (that morning hard-on from Kaboom) among the cutest of the cuties -- appears a certain David Hasselhoff (above) making what just might be the most embarrassing "playing himself" set of sequences ever put to film (or in this case, I am sure, digital). Mr Hasselhoff proves so extraordinary adept at walking that nearly nonexistent line between "Omigod, he thinks this is a real role!" and "Nah -- he's just making fun of his own image" that you will have to pinch yourself many times to make certain you haven't died and arrived in Schlock Heaven.

How does the film manage to levitate to the upper echelons of goofy bad movies? It must be the ever-careful crew of filmmakers, including director John Gulager, (who gave us the terrifically scary/smart Feast and its sequel), and writers Marcus Dunstan and Patrick Melton (Feasties who also gave us The Collector and its upcoming sequel), along with Joel Soisson. Clearly these guys are all slumming here, making some money while having a good time. And so will you, I expect (the good time, not the money), if you're a fan of this very special kind of movie viewing.

Piranha 3DD, god love it, takes no prisoners: Not even little children are safe from these evil fish.  From Dimension Films, the movie is available now for sale or rental on DVD and Blu-ray (in quite the nice little transfer, too). Bon Appe-teat!


Anonymous said...

You did a very good job getting people to want to watch this movie. You took a movie that would normally not have many people lining up to watch it, and made people interested in it.

James van Maanen said...

Why, thank you, Anon! That's just about the highest compliment you can pay me, and what you say I've done here is what I try to do with every post (although some movies, I admit, are easier to interest people in than are certain others.

Anyway, you've made my day!