TOYS ARE NOT FOR CHILDREN: Blu-ray debut for Stanley H. Brasloff's would-be cult classic

Whew! It's been awhile since TrustMovies has seen a movie -- even one from the early 1970s -- quite as bad as the please-mommy-let-me-become-a-cult-classic! piece of nonsense from one, Stanley H. Brasloff, entitled TOYS ARE NOT FOR CHILDREN.

According to the funny and certainly striving Bonus Feature on the disc about this would-be moviemaker, Mr. Brasloff based his film upon a supposedly true tale he had heard that I guess he felt might make a groundbreaking movie.

It probably did break some ground back in the 70s -- badly, but what-the-heck -- regarding sexuality, psychological disorder and especially incest. Yet so thuddingly poor is much of the dialog that the actors hired to speak this silliness should not be held fully responsible for the result. They try. Oh, god, do they try. (As director, Brasloff would seem to have encouraged them in this mode.)

Chief among them is the film's star, Marcia Forbes, shown above (with some of those titular toys) and below, right, whose only movie credit this film turned out to be. Talk about a career-stopper. In truth, Ms Forbes is asked to do what Meryl Streep perhaps could not (Ms Streep would have had the sense, however, to turn this movie down flat), but Forbes certainly gives it her best shot, playing a young woman whose very bad-parenting parents have managed to raise a real nutcase.

But she's a very pretty nutcase, so she pulls in just about everyone within her small orbit. Supposedly afraid of sexuality (especially from her young husband, played by Harlan Carey Poe, above, left), when she finally gets some, she's immediately ready to go for broke.

Much of the movie is devoted to our heroine's desire/attempt to locate her father, whom she has not seen for years and years, a task for which she uses a local Manhattan whore (Evelyn Kingsley, above, left), who has own designs on our girl, along with her pimp (Luis Arroyo, below, right).

Dad (Peter Lightstone, below) finally does make the expected appearance, and we have a family reunion to end all family reunions. At times, the movie does indeed approach the glories of unintentional camp but never quite goes full out enough to make us snort properly. And because it was made during those sexually-groundbreaking 70s, you can "read" it as a plea for heightened sexual awareness and openness -- until, that is, we get to the lesbian scene. Then it's all ooooh, naughty, naughty!

Ah, well. You can't have everything. And in the case of Toys Are Not for Children, you can't have much of anything. But if you are an aficionado of this sort of thing, be my guest. The new Blu-ray, from Arrow Video (distributed here in the USA via MVD Visual) -- running 85 minutes, and including a few of those usually notable Arrow special features -- hits the street today, Tuesday, October 8, for purchase and (I would hope) rental.

New horrors on video: GOODNIGHT MOMMY and COOTIES -- exploitation vs "fart" film

It's interesting to have two very different horror movies making their DVD and Blu-ray debut this past week. Neither set the box-office afire, but one, GOODNIGHT MOMMY, comes lauded with critical acclaim and is, in fact, Austria's submission for this coming "Oscar" race for Best Foreign Language Film, while the other, COOTIES, is one of those comic/horror exploitation items that appear with some regularity these days. Oh, yes: And the subject of both films involves some very, very naughty children.

TrustMovies was looking forward to both in his own way but, surprise, it's the silly-but-lots-of-fun exploitation film that brings home the bacon (or, in this case, the chicken) while the gorgeously photographed, ridiculously attenuated arthouse horror item turns out to be, yes, a "fart" film--TrustMovies' special moniker for the failed art film, usually one that's full of hot air. At 100 minutes, Goodnight Mommy is at least 20 minutes longer than its minimal content can bear; it is also so slow that I found myself dozing off at several points along the way.

The film's single surprise is telegraphed so early and so obviously that you will sit there waiting impatiently for the other shoe to drop. And finally it is one of the ugliest movies -- endurance-test torture ending in horrifying death -- I've had to sit through in a long, long time. If this were a good film in all those other ways, I could easily have borne the horror, but it's so bad so often that it ends up seeming simply pretentious -- little more than an excuse for the ugliness it ponderously builds toward. Yes, it's beautifully lensed and provides an object lesson in the hidden dangers of cosmetic surgery, but the fact that Austria would see fit to submit this piece of shit as a BFLF contender rather boggles the brain. Goodness: That country hasn't gifted us with anything this delightful, since, uh, Adolf Hitler.

Cooties, on the other hand, is low-level but rather juicy fun, well-cast and cleverly written and very speedily plotted, as it tells its all-too-possible tale of a bird-flu virus gone haywire. It comes from chickens and attaches itself, in tried-and-true movie style, to humans -- in this case children, turning them into blood-thirsty little demons. The opening scene that details a chicken's route from life in one of those horrible "bins" to death and onward into chicken-nuggetdom is alone worth the price of the movie rental: fast, funny, nasty and capped with a moment that should put you off those nuggets for good. The rest of the film -- featuring Elijah Wood, Alison Pill, Rainn Wilson and directed by a couple of smart guys and written by four more -- keeps the humor, scares, gore and thrills coming fast and furiously, right up to the clever, quick finale that offers a terrific last line paving the way for maybe a sequel. Had this one done better at the box-office. that sequel would have been insured. Still, even a straight-to-video would be acceptable by me.

Cool--in a gory/crazy/funny/action-heavy way! Ms Hayek stars in Joe Lynch's fabulous EVERLY

Looking for the kind of wild, bloody, all-stops-out, fun-and-fetish-filled action movie they just don't make anymore (maybe they never did)? If so, we've got a tip for you: EVERLY, the new action film from director Joe Lynch and screen-writer Yale Hannon. It's a hoot and a half, and it gives Salma Hayek the kind of super-heroine role that Scarlett Johansson could only manage with those special-effect sci-fi powers in Lucy or the Avengers movies. Of course Everly is not one bit believable. But in this kind of non-stop action film, do you really ask for truth?

Of course not. You just want a bloody good time and maybe some pulchritude tossed in for extra measure. Misters Lynch (at right) and Hannon provide the fun and frolic, while Ms Hayek (above and below), in a role that shows that the lady's still got what it takes, offers up the beauty and charisma. Theres' a lot of the last two on view.

The movie begins in the dark, so to speak, because all we see is a black screen as we hear what sounds like a woman being hurt, maybe tortured. Oh, gosh. Not to worry. Within moments, the screen lights up, we're looking down into a bathroom where a nude woman (our titular Everly), clearly hurt, appears, locks the door behind her, and....  Nope: I'm not telling. We do hear a gun shot, however, and from that point onward, for some 92 minutes, there is simply no let-up to the suspense, action and good, gory fun.

We're in the naughty land of nasty sex traffickers once again, this time with an Asian slant. Everly, it seems, has been commandeered, over some years now, to do the bidding of the head trafficker, but the lady has had, as they say, enough. However, head baddie knows the whereabouts of her mother and daughter, so soon we have three generations of women hiding out together in a very odd hotel.

The film was shot mostly, perhaps entirely, in Belgrade, Serbia -- which should be enough to scare the pants off you already. If not, the odd assortment of villains, all working for Mister Top Guy, certainly will. Our head man, whom, yes, we eventually do get to meet, seems to have a small army of thugs on tap to do his bidding.

So how do Hayek and crew manage to hold out so long? Through all kinds of shenanigans, Salma leads them ever onward, using her amazing knack for firearms and fighting to get through it all. There are some ups and down, and for awhile it seems our heroine is toast. But soon she's back to buttered bread -- bloody and battered as that tasty loaf soon becomes.

The most enticing and original of these villains is a quintet of sadist (the great Togo Igawa, from The Hedgehog), masochist and three large acolytes who go at our gal something fierce. The actress who plays Everly's daughter is one of the most beautiful little girls seen on film in ages (newcomer Aisha Ayama), while mom/grandma is played with comedic smarts by Laura Cepeda.

The sweetest of Ms Hayek's hits is delightfully performed by Akie Kotabe (above), who sticks around long enough to kibbitz and bleed, while Everly's chief nemesis is given quite a impressive performance by Hiroyuki Watanabe, two photos below, who proves as lean, lithe and sexy as he is dangerous.

Mr. Lynch has directed the film to within an inch of its life, and he's managed, though it stays completely within that one hotel setting, to make each minute easy to sit through. Everly, the movie, looks every bit as good as does Everly, the character, with sumptuous production design by Ondrej Nekvasil (Snowpiercer) and crack cinematography from Steve Gainer (Mysterious Skin).

There are also a flock of call girls on tap -- most of whom would be just as happy to see Everly breathe her last, and some of the fun provided is at the girls' expense. (This is not exactly what we would call a feminist tract.) But that's OK, too, because Hayek acts and actions her way through it all with real aplomb. If the film is a success -- and it certainly should be at least a minor one -- I could see a sequel or two soon in the works, perhaps next time with Latins, Blacks, Arabs or, gosh, maybe just a bunch of rich and uber-entitled bankers and Wall Street white guys playing the villains. Many of this set are no doubt already dick-deep in the sideline trade of sex trafficking.

Meanwhile, if you're a fan of this kind of thing, don't miss Everly, from Radius/TWC, which opens Friday, February 27, here and there around the country -- after its iTunes digital debut last month. (Here in NYC, it'll be opening at the Village East Cinema.) If you miss it in theaters, the film should be available on VOD and/or digital again soon, as well as on DVD and (I hope) Blu-ray, for this is one good-looking movie.