QUEEN CRAB attacks, as Brett Piper takes us back to the sci-fi days of early Roger Corman

What goofy, old-fashioned fun (for awhile, at least), as filmmaker Brett Piper does a funny, often nifty homage to everything from stop-motion monster movies to the old American International sci-fi films to some of the early Roger Corman movies. QUEEN CRAB is such an intentionally silly story of science run amok (does it ever not, so far as movies are concerned?) and a cute little crab found by an adorable little girl that grows to something like the size of a house, terrorizing a small town and spawning lots of nasty, naughty offspring who also provide a certain amount of blood-and-guts mayhem.

Mr. Piper (shown at left) has fashioned a straight-forward 80-minute horror/monster movie using old-fashioned stop-motion photogra-phy, in which our crabby crab goes on the rampage, destroying life and limb with aplomb and finesse. That almost everything about this movie looks "fake" but fun is part of its charm, and that goes right down (or up) to the writing, direction and acting -- about which you can never be quite sure if the actors are being intentionally semi-bad, or trying to rise to the occasion. Either way, there's a certain frisson provided by this odd viewing experience.

"What does omnivorous mean?" our little cutie, above, asks her scientist daddy early on in the movie, and you can bet that by the time she grows up (below), she will fully understand the meaning of the word (while still loving her pet crab, despite its predilection for destruction).

Even at only 80 minutes, it's still a tad too long, and the filmmaker, who both wrote and directed, hasn't given us enough real humor or scares to fill those minutes, though he's done some fun stuff with the characters, situations and mayhem.

While I can't recommend the movie to just anyone, I do suspect that oldsters who fondly recall those Corman movies (Not of This Earth, anyone?) or the stop-motion delights of Ray Harryhausen, may want to take a look.

And you can, when the film -- from Wild Eye Releasing -- goes straight to DVD this coming Tuesday, September 29. Get ready to giggle. And maybe show your kids or grand kids what scary movies used to look like.

A monster UNDER THE BED? Yes--and he's a scary one in Steven C. Miller's fright flick.

The bed as a gateway to hell? I suspect many of us have symbolically discovered that this is so, but in UNDER THE BED, the new scary-monster-movie from Steven C. Miller, that entrance lies literally below the bed. I am probably giving away too much already, but since Mr. Miller is content to keep his primary scares under wraps for quite awhile, this should clue like-minded audiences into the fact that the film does indeed grow more action-prone and special-effects laden as it reaches its rather bizarre conclusion.

The filmmaker, pictured at left, begins with a reunion of sorts and an exquisitely realized sense of dread. A frightened-to-near-crazed older brother, Neal (Jonny Weston, below), is reunited after some time with his sweet younger sibling, Paulie (Gattlin Griffith, kneeling, further below), his generally unhelpful father, and a new stepmother (his own having died in circumstances about which we learn only dribs and drabs). Note Neal's entrance into the house, handled quietly and very effectively. The filmmaker's budget was no doubt a small one, but he has put it to good use with a screenplay by Eric Stolze, which, if it isn't all that informative nor comprehensive, is at least smart enough to keep us hooked and a tad unhinged.

The dialog is always serviceable, and the events slowly coalesce into increasing menace. The direction is quite good, too, making the most of that small budget in production design, technical details, good performances from the entire cast, and finally some special effects that may be, overall, on the cheap side but that do the job at hand remarkably well.

On the minus side, some questions do arise that are never intelligently answered: How come the adults on hand don't hear all the noise coming from the kids' room? Just how powerful is this creature? What and what not can he do on his own? And exactly what did happen with stepmom and her foray into the garage-cum-laundry room?

We never get answers, but also, fortunately, we never get bored because Miller keeps little scares happen-ing at a good clip, before bringing out the big ones and allowing that creature to come to full-on life and begin his reign of death.

Who it kills and how -- neither kids nor parents are safe -- are certainly enough to have gotten the film an "R" rating (I don't recall seeing any rating for this movie).

Performances are about all they can be, given the state of the screenplay and the need to get on with the grizzly gore. Weston and Griffith make properly scared and loving bothers; Peter Holden proves a useless dad and Musetta Vander a warm stepmother.

As the would-be girlfriend, Kelcie Stranahan (above) is pretty and underused, while Ivan Djurovic's model-gorgeous good looks are completely covered up in the role of the Creature.

Under the Bed, from XLrator Media and running 87 minutes, opened theatrically yesterday, July 18. The horror film has also been playing on VOD since July 3 and has a DVD coming out on July 30. I'm checking now for a list of theatrical playdates -- which I'll post as soon as they arrive. Sorry to get these up so tardily, but here are the theaters, a bit after the fact: on July 18 only at Laemmle's No Ho in Los Angeles;  July 19 only at the Clinton Street Theater Portland; July 19 and 20 only at the Zeigeist in New Orleans; and July 20 only at Facets in Chicago.

DVDebut: Kenneth Cran's MILLENNIUM BUG proves a fun throwback to an older decade and some ancient special effects

Wow. Old-time models (that look exactly like old-time models: see the photo below), a man in a monster suit playing the title character (damn well, too!), and a time frame set some thirteen years back, just as we entered the present century with the threat of that weird "YK2 bug" hanging over us and our poor computers. Remember?  It should all come back to you in spades -- silly, gross, gory and enjoyable spades -- as you watch this new straight-to-video hoot (after quite a successful genre festival run), written and directed by Kenneth Cran and entitled THE MILLENNIUM BUG.

This is Mr. Cran's first full-length feature (he earlier made one short), and it's a lot of fun -- particularly for those of us who grew up watching those silly but somehow endearing man-in-a monster-suit movies from the 1950s (It Conquered the World, anyone?). If you remember those, I think you'll be hooked on this one from the start. The difference however, and it's a big one, is that Cran, shown at left, has made a movie for the new century in terms of violence, bloodshed, gore and special effects. And the folk you'll be rooting for, just because you like them and they're the heroes, don't all come through unscathed. You wouldn't take Granny -- unless she's a real genre nut -- to see this film. (That's Adam Brooks, below, emoting, and rather well, too.)

Another important difference will probably be apparent as you view: When I mention special effects, and when Cran gives them to us, they are not the kind of CGI stuff we've all gotten used to and unfortunately usually demand. Nope, these are old-fashioned, handmade effects that still manage to pack quite a punch when they're delivered as well as this filmmaker and his crew do it.

The editing (by Cran) is fast and smart; the excellent cinematography is from Oktay Ortabasi; and the effective -- yuuuch! -- special make-up effects (see above, by Robert Lindsay) and creature and special visual effects (like those giant teeth, see below, by Dustin Yoder) all help seal the deal.

The plot, usually the least of things in this genre, proves so once again. A father, daughter and new wife take a New Year's camping trip/vacation somewhere in the Pacific Northwest (I think that's the location) just as the century turns. Dad (a nice, action-ful job by Jon Briddell, below) grew up near this isolated spot, so he sort of knows the area.

What Dad does not know is that a very strange family of inbred hillbillies (refugees from the Dust Bowl, perhaps? Ask Ken Burns) has taken up residence nearby and enjoys using any isolated tourists as feed for its special pet/family member, Orpheus.

That's Granny, above (Sandi Steinberg), and poor misbegotten Rip, below (Ben Seton). I'd show you them all, and they're quite the catalog of horrors -- behavior and appearance -- but time and space do not permit and, anyway, you should savor these and other surprises in store via this little fright delight.

Also on hand is the requisite loony, would-be scientist who is tracking the title character, a huge being/bug that hatches only once a millennium -- and lives... ah, but that's another of the surprises. As usual in these sci-fi-horror outings, there must be plenty of events, with those events moving fast enough to mow down our disbelief. Fortunately there are and they do.

Childbirth (awwwww......!), possible cannibalism (ewwww....!), and the poor, trapped daughter (Christine Haeberman, above, in bridal attire) getting hitched to the hunkiest of the hillbillies (played by a nasty, sexy John Charles Meyer, below) who probably doesn't bathe. It's all here and it's all silly, if ugly, fun.

Best of all, for me, was "filming of" special feature on the DVD, in which Cran and his brother James talk about why they wanted to do this movie the old-fashioned way, and why the guy in the monster suit (the very physical Benjamin Watts) was so important, among other very interesting topics. (That's leading lady, Jessica Simons, a little bit bloodstained, below)

All told, The Millennium Bug is a definite "watch" for genre aficionados, particularly those who appreciate seeing some of those eternal verities of the horror/monster genre brought back to funny, charming, creepy, bloody life. (That's the head hillbilly, played by Trek Loneman, below, in his film debut.)

The movie, from Green Apple Entertainment and running 88 minutes, is available now on DVD (no Blu-ray) for sale or rental. You can buy it from Amazon, of course, or you can "Save" it on Netflix (but why hasn't this company bothered to actually order the film?). Blockbuster claims to have it available, too. I suspect that it will go to VOD or maybe streaming eventually, so watch for that via your favorite sources.

Ti West's THE INNKEEPERS bows today on VOD, in advance of theatrical opening Feb 3

Filmmaker Ti West is certainly one determined throwback. Of his three full-length films TrustMovies has seen so far (he didn't catch Trigger Man or Cabin Fever 2), it's safe to say that Mr. West loves old-fashioned scare movies. In his energetic but quite tiring and silly "monster movie" The Roost (2007), he had his terrorized cast attacked by bats, while 2009's The House of the Devil (his best film by a long shot) saw a babysitter and her friend become the prey of Satanists with a very disturbing ritual on their agenda. Now, with THE INNKEEPERS, he's back again with a bunch of retro scares, this time involving an old New England inn about to go out of business and full of assorted things that go bump in the night.

West, pictured at right, certainly knows old movies -- and old-time scares. Via a combination of smart, subtle acting, clever build-up, and the just-so placement of suspense and shock throughout the film, The House of the Devil proved West could create an old-fashioned scare fest for modern-day audiences. If only the same were true of The Innkeepers, but, alas, "old-fashioned" is everywhere on display but the scares have mostly disappeared. The few that remain are so over-used, and haggard that they end up DOA. After awhile one's response to things like doors that slam out of nowhere, piano keys that play when no one's there, and even bloody, disgusting ghosts that sneak up (when we're, unfortunately, most expecting them) is one, long, giant yawn and the question, Is that all? My friends: It is.

And it's too bad. Because West has corralled a nice cast to do his tiresome bidding, beginning with the delightfully energetic and youthful lead actress Sara Paxton (above, right), who invests each moment with enough pizazz to keep us alert. Her co-star is the very laid-back Pat Healy (above left), who proves a fine foil for Paxton's energy and verve.

Also on the scene is a woefully under-used Kelly McGillis (above: see her in Stake Land for a real performance and an infinitely better "scare" movie) as an old-time actress who's now doing "crystals" and ESP stuff. There are a few more characters, but none of them add up to much. They're all just vamping, even the silly ghosts -- until, suddenly, they're not. But by then, unfortunately, we don't give a shit.

 
The real trouble here is the screenplay. There very nearly isn't one. It sounds -- and seems -- dashed off overnight. Tiresome from the outset, it circles around and leads nowhere except into the usual clichés of this genre. Everything is second-hand and second-rate, including the reason for its two half-assed ghost-hunters to be doing their thing. The ghosts themselves are also of the most paltry sort (now they're here, now they're not) with a less-than-intriguing back story, to say the least.

Some of the camerawork (above) is good, in a been-there kind of way. Almost all the scares, however -- don't go into that basement! -- are minimal, as well, including the final, lengthy, build-up-the-suspense shot after which -- oh, please -- a door slams. Well, perhaps Mr. West means the joke to be on us. It is, it is.

The Innkeepers, from Magnet Releasing (and way too long at 100 minutes) is available via VOD beginning today, December 30, and will play up until the film's theatrical debut on February 3, 2012. You can click here to locate playdates, cities and theaters for that February bow. Meanwhile, check your local TV reception provider for VOD information. And click here to view other recent and upcoming Magnet/Magnolia movies you can view On-Demand. One of them, perhaps all, will be better than this dim fiasco.