Idiocy writ large: Greg Bergman and A.D. Freese's I-need-a-larger-penis documentary, BIG LIKE ME

Never thought I'd be saying this, but the new documentary BIG LIKE ME makes the earlier doc about one man's search for a possible bigger penis -- Unhung Hero -- seem like a paragon of intelligence and subtlety. For the DVD release of the "extended director's cut," this new doc seems to have now been retitled, Bigger Like Me. Yes, that's the level we -- and the proud owner of the enlarged dick, Greg Bergman -- have here attained. What is particularly odd and unnerving about Mr Bergman's search is that -- unlike Patrick Moote, the star of Unhung Hero whose dick we never see but are told is very, very small -- Bergman himself (shown below and further below) has a perfectly normal-sized member.

In fact, this guy's dick is actually a little thicker than most. And though it takes a full two-thirds of the movie before we actually see Bergman's cock, once on view, it seems like our hero-as-zero can't show it to us -- and everyone else possible, from the ladies he hopes to impress, on line and quite literally on the street, to the audience at his stand-up comedy act (below) -- often enough. Talk about tiring. And embarrassing.

But then the entire movie has grown increasingly embarrassing from its outset, as we learn of Bergman's obsession with his size (to which no one, from his wife to his physical trainer to his therapist, can in any way take his feeble little mind off ), to his month-long use of various pills and pumps for enlargement purposes (yes: nothing works) followed by his visit to a clinic in Tijuana where the doctors promise enlargement of (not length but) girth, to his time in New York City walking the streets and flashing various dildos while asking passers by to choose their favorite, to a visit to Pennsylvania Amish country where he asks an elderly Amish man to make the same choice. Jesus: Has this guy lost all shame and intelligence?

While in NYC, he arranges to meet a man, Jonah Falcon, said to have one of the world's largest pensies (I've seen bigger, even in my limited experience), and he watches as Falcon shakes his dong around for our and his delectation (the homoerotic content of this film is staggering, all the more so because Mr Bergman seems utterly unaware of this). Toward the end of this sad piece of nonsense, a voice -- I assume belonging to the co-director of the doc, A.D. Freese, who is filming Mr. Bergman -- asks his subject if he thinks he has become the big success he wanted to be. "Not yet," is Bergman's response. Oh, honey: Not ever.

TrustMovies won't give sway any spoilers but will only say that the outcome is creepy, sad and even more embarrassing than all that has gone before. But for those who want to see a whole lot of shots of Greg Bergman's reproductive equipment, this is definitely the movie for you. From Breaking Glass Pictures and running a way-too-long 100 minutes, the doc arrived on DVD earlier this month -- for purchase and maybe rental.

Male sexuality, via the penis, gets a look-see in Brian Fender's new DICK: THE DOCUMENTARY

More than five years in the making (the filmmaker evidently began work on this documentary back in 2008 when he took an ad out on CraigsList, asking if there were men out there willing to show and talk about their sexual apparatus), DICK: THE DOCUMENTARY arrives tomorrow on VOD and DVD (pre-order, anyway) in a not-quite-hour-long parade of male members, in the flesh, accompanied by verbal explanations from the bearers of what their penis means to them, how they first became aware of it and what it could do, as well as how it has affected their lives -- for good or not so. And if you don't already know that bigger is probably better, you certainly will once you've seen and heard from these guys.

Our fellows were promised by their director -- filmmaker Brian Fender (shown at right) -- anonymity both visually (although the penis is on full parade, nothing above the neck is ever visible) and ID-wise (the names have been changed to protect the, well, innocent). Each man shows, up, strips and stands in front of the camera, cock front and center, as he answers question from the filmmaker and then, sometimes, begins to elaborate on his own. After spending an initial time with each, Fender begins inter-cutting back and forth between his men, building up a kind of testament to what the penis really means. After all the symbolism and penile stand-ins that we've experienced in our culture -- from skyscrapers and automobiles to bananas and zucchinis -- it's rather a pleasure to have the real thing in front of us to view and talk about and finally, maybe, begin to understand.

Mr. Fender and his producer/sidekick Chiemi Karasawa (shown at left) have chosen a nice variety here, too. The men range in age from 20s through the 70s and they're straight, gay and bi, while their dicks run the gamut -- small, large, thick, thin, circumcised,  uncut, white, black, Latin (but no Asian cock that I could see, which seems a pity the movie wasn't a tad more inclusive).

Conversational topics range from that first ejaculation (usually quite a surprise) to the part religion plays in the use, abuse and care of the cock, and whether or not size matters. Clearly, it does. The biggest dick of them all tell us, "For a time I resented my penis because I never knew if it was me or my big cock that the person really cared about." Still, and as expected, this guy eventually came around to accepting and delighting in his huge member.

Not so the fellow with the smallest dick on display here. That has been a problems his entire life, and it's one that shows little signs of abating with old age.

We hear about that first sexual experience, of pedophiles and horny teen-agers, of styles of lovemaking, how to keep the uncut dick clean and odor-free, and how best to masturbate. (Turns out that when you're circumcised, it helps immensely if the doctor or mohel didn't cut off too much flesh. These professionals should know by now to leave enough skin to properly play with.)

The downside is not neglected, either. We hear about erectile dysfunction, prostate cancer and its effect on the libido and penis. We even learn the ins and outs of penile implants. One fit fellow, straight all his earlier life, explains how has now enjoys having sex with men. "Its good," he says, "because they don't expect anything afterward."

The movie's piece de resistance, however, has got to be the section midway along, when we simply see, in profile, a nice-sized dick slowly harden up until it reaches full erection. No explanation necessary. Why men so prize (and worry and wonder about) their cocks, and how and why the penis is seen to be that "tower of power" is on full display here.

Dick: the Doc is a film that ought to be shown to all youngsters during adolescence, to give them the full explanation of things that their father probably won't (none of the men shown here got a proper sex education from Dad). Fender and Karasawa have done a real service for us guys, de-mythologizing the penis while celebrating it, too. Theirs is a smart and -- depending on your sexual preferences and POV -- a pretty hot doc. You can view it exclusively online beginning tomorrow, September 12. For more information go to IndiePix Films by clicking here.

Phallophilia on-screen again in Jonah Bekhor and Zach Math's documentary, THE FINAL MEMBER

Making a just-about perfect double bill with Unhung Hero, the new documentary THE FINAL MEMBER breaks further ground concerning the male-of-the-species' penis obsession. The three men we meet here seem obsessed something fierce with the male member -- an activity I admit that I myself have been rather interested in down the decades, as are, I suspect, many gay and bi-sexual men. But whatever interest we may have with cocks and balls surely pales next to that of these three guys.

The two filmmakers who directed the doc -- Jonah Bekhor and Zach Math (shown above, with Mr. Math on the left) -- are Canadians who, when they first heard about and then followed up on this story of the world's first penis museum, found in Iceland, actually relocated to that tiny country in order to facilitate their film-making. It's a bit difficult to imagine that they ended up with what they expected from their endeavors, going in. But who knows? Perhaps they were aware from the upshot how obsessed all the parties actually were.

Those parties would include the man, Sigurður Hjartarson (above), who put together the penile venue -- the Icelandic Phallological Museum, the world's only one devoted exclusively to the penis -- that holds a sample member from so many of the world's mammal species and displays them all. All, that is, except for the penis of one of us homo sapiens. To that end, the museum's founder, now in his 70s, is literally beating the bushes to find a possible donor for the cause.

Which brings us to the other two obsessive gentlemen: Páll Arason (above), an ex-adventurer/cocksman said to have had his way with more Icelandic (and maybe other nationalities) women than any other Icelandic man. Arason has agreed to donate his member to the museum upon his death. Except that, even in the best of days, his penis measured but five inches. Now that he is in his dotage, it is shrinking (as all of ours seem to, eventually), and so may not measure up to standard.

The movie takes a funny side trip here into penis-size folklore, and we hear the tale of a woman who insisted that Iceland come up with a minimum acceptable penis size because, as you can see from the drawing above, her hubby simply did not measure up.

Then our curator hears from a man in America, Tom Mitchell, who is also interested in donating his penis to the museum. It's a big one: seven inches and very thick. Tom calls his cock Elmo, and it is clearly his most prized possession. So prized that he begins setting rules and gilding the lily, as it were. (Ever seen a cock with a red, white and blue tattoo on its head? You will.)

All this is, on one level, crazy as hell. But as these are human beings, their desires and craziness are funny and sad and faintly ridiculous. Even though someone in this movie (Hjartarson maybe?) early on notes that, regarding the penis, "Anything that mustn't be talked about must be talked about." Fair enough, but obsession or no, one can't help but ask, Is this the measure of a man?  For Arason and especially for Mitchell, I guess the answer is yes.

Does Hjartarson get his final member? Surprise ensues and the suspense builds, and eventually we learn the outcome. Meanwhile, don't miss the comic-book adventures of Elmo, shown during the end credits. These are a hoot, and for the most part, so is this movie.

From Drafthouse Films and running a thankfully short 72 minutes, The Final Member opens around the country this Friday, April 18 -- in Austin, Dallas, Houston, New York, Phoenix, Seattle and Yonkers, with more cities to follow in the weeks to come. To see all currently scheduled playdates, click here and scroll down.

Brian Spitz's UNHUNG HERO follows the penis of Patrick -- in all its (unseen) glory, or lack thereof

Does size matter? Yes, we're talking penis size. Though, in a movie so would-be daring and revelatory -- in which its star and subject, one Patrick Moote, who, when his girlfriend turns down his marriage proposal because of the small size of said organ, goes on a worldwide quest to first discover if his cock really is all that small, and if so, what he can do about it -- you'd think that, after all this hoo-hah, we'd get a glimpse of what the little fellow looks like. If a movie star of the caliber of Richard Gere had the guts to show his less than sizable member in a film or two, then why not Mr. Moote?

Don't ask. Instead, just watch, as this hungry-for-attention young man first does the by-now stupid and unthinkable: asking his girl to marry him in a pre-arranged proposal piped into a major sports arena during a game. When she, as any intelligent, thinking woman would, says no, and when Moote learns why she supposedly refrained, off we go, following our thimble dick as he voyages ever onward in his journey toward... enlightenment and enlargement.

As overseen by director Brian Spitz, shown at right, the journey is mostly all Moote, all the time (the guy turns out to be a stand-up comic and actor, which should not surprise us, I guess) and the film, which is cleverly being billed as the world's first cockumentary, does indeed offer some interesting info on dicks and the delirium surrounding them.

Did you know, for instance, that South Korean men officially possess the world's smallest cocks? (I would have imagined that it was the North Koreans who actually hold this crown, but of course, we have no access to that information....) Yet, the country -- at least as Mr. Moote sees it during his visit -- is filled with numerous sculptures of large organs, above. (I have to say, at this point, that one of the largest cocks I've encountered in my life belonged to a Chinese gentleman who hailed, he told me, from the region where The Last Emperor was born, and where the men are known for their unusually large organs. So I guess not all Asians are endowed on the small side.)

Interestingly enough Mr. Moote seems to handle his tiny penis problem in the way some people approach impending death. You know -- the old Kübler-Ross model: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. This leads him to various countries and various systems for penis enlargement, such as the "weight training" he encounters in Taiwan (shown above, and as usual, politely covered).

Eventually we end up in Papua New Guinea (above) for a very strange bit of hocus-pocus, and then back to Korea for the plastic surgery that will give him, well, maybe another inch or so.... Ah, but our boy turns out to be something of a pussy. So instead we meet a sex specialist (Dan Savage) and a large-dicked fellow (Jonah Falcon, below, left) both of whom offer their thoughts to our "hero."

As do Moote's mother and father. Mom brings up some old history, while Dad intimates that this size thing may run in the family, and that perhaps he ought to have discussed it with his son earlier. Of course, then there would not have been this movie to watch and consider.

How, in the end, you feel about this film will depend, I think, on how you feel about Mr. Moote. If you find him as annoying and obvious as did I, you can just lean back and enjoy the scenery and odd facts uncovered along the way. Or, you can think of Moote, like Richard Gere, as someone who is advancing the case for those of us males who possess average to small genitalia. In that case, the guy really is an Unhung Hero.

The movie opens for its theatrical release this Friday, December 6, in Los Angeles at the charming little Arena Cinema in Hollywood, after which, for those of you elsewhere in the country, it will appear, via Breaking Glass Pictures, on DVD as of Tuesday, December 10, 2013.